How to Create the Relationship You Deserve

‍“Every relationship either gives energy to us or withholds energy from us, according to what we give to or withhold from it.”

~Marianne Willamson

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Your Relationship Blueprint

We didn’t come with a user guide taped to our foreheads at birth. Instead, our parents often relied on family tradition, advice and cultural norms to raise us as best they could. If you’re a parent now, you’ll understand what I mean when I say that most parents are doing the best they can with whatever tools they have. 

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Still, our early associations and interactions with our primary caretakers leave deep impressions on us that are often powerful and highly influential in shaping who we become; how we think and act; and the choices we make. Our consciousness is not just shaped by our genetics, the media or our peer groups, but it is foundationally shaped by the first people who interacted with us when we were born; our parents or other primary caretakers (nanny, grandparents or others).

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Of course, we’re not objects simply being acted upon. Instead, as children we too were participating and making meaning of our feelings and the world around us, and responding or reacting to the parental and societal culture we were exposed to. It’s a communal journey, so to speak, as we talk about the process of maturing, growing, creating and becoming the people we are supposed to become. It’s a journey of building the relationships that will both support and inform us as we are constantly moving to fulfill our destiny. Thus, our relational blueprint, (the foundation governing how we relate) becomes formed early in life. 

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Our early childhood experiences determine & inform how we relate to the world, laying the groundwork for the successes we have in relating to ourselves and with others. It also lays the groundwork for the failures or pains we experience when our attempts to connect don’t play out too well. All of us have emotional  scars to one degree or another, from un-fun experiences we endured that colored our perception of self and others. How do we get past these little emotional hurdles and transmute them into bridges of connection and relational intimacy? How do we amend our relational blueprint and enhance our current relationships and create the personal relationship we deserve? I will attempt to answer this in a series of pieces over the next few months leading up to the holidays. Afterall, isn’t it sweet to spend the holidays with a special someone, who you are not fighting with? Or who might be ghosting you?

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While modern society has expectations and instruction for career, family structure, and religious compliance, there is very little formal instruction in the academic world on the topic of relational intimacy as a means to fulfilling our relationship destinies for loving partnership. I have an interest in this area because relating is not just a verbal process but an energetic one as Marianne Williamson so eloquently expressed in her quote above. 

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My journey as an intuitive energy-work practitioner helped me to bring peace and harmony to relationships that were estranged; to cultivate deeper friendships than I had previously enjoyed; and to build a loving partnership that continues to increase in richness and depth. What I can say is that I know you are destined to find love and companionship in a romantic partner and deserve to deepen and sweeten the love you have, if you are already partnered. 

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Wherever You Are Is Perfect

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If there's one thing that time has taught me it’s that the relationships I had were always the right ones for me, for that time frame, even if they were uncomfortable (and even if I kept wanting to think they were wrong, or that being alone was wrong), they were the right ones for me in the moment. 

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Knowing that every moment is ripe for your learning and benefit is the first step you must take to amend your relational blueprint. Is your blueprint sketched out to blame yourself and feel guilty? Is it arranged so that you feel abandoned and hold onto resentment and anger? Does the blueprint place too much emphasis on trying to get others to like you and lack the specification of loving yourself fully and completely? Anywhere your relational blueprint is drafted out of harmony with the law of self-love, mercy & compassion, and acceptance for self and others, it will be reflected in your relationships, and these circumstances will take you back to re-learning and applying yourself to see and recognize your own inner beauty, from the perspective of your Higher Self, despite what the outer reality is showing you.

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That means that if your present relationship involves someone trying to control you, then your life classroom is around what it will take to hold your own power so that you no longer need to play in the dynamic of feeling and letting yourself be controlled. It also means that if you are in the experience of valuing others more than yourself, and you tend to drop anything you’re doing to meet the need of a beloved, but they aren’t reciprocal in supporting you, then your life classroom is about working on valuing yourself and liking yourself more than your need to be liked by others. The life-classrooms are many and varied, but always in this present moment your life classroom awaits you and surrendering to it will bring you closer to a more aligned relational blueprint for romantic partnership. Blaming, shaming, guilt-ing, or avoiding isn’t surrendering to your life classroom, the way accepting what the lesson is and applying yourself, would be. 

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This is the starting point to redefining your relational blueprint. Sometimes this is the hardest piece; to love yourself deeply and fully. I believe it’s a practice and not a one time deal, but it makes sense, because we can only truly love another to the degree that we love ourselves. I believe love is healing energy and when we lean into loving ourselves the erroneous relational blueprint specs begin to change and align with more connectedness and relatedness. So applying yourself to loving and forgiving yourself is the key to getting past any emotional hurdles and will transmute them into bridges of connection and relational intimacy.

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Love Energy Connects and Protects

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What would happen if every day you looked in the mirror and said out loud as you looked deep into the reflection of your eyes, “I love and accept you fully and completely”? Maybe you’d feel uncomfortable initially, as all the negative things your mind has believed to be true of you might arise, but I am sure that if you moved your energy to focus on that one sentence repeatedly for a period of 5 to 10 breaths, daily, love energy would begin to reverberate through your whole being, making you and your body a little more magnetized to love energy. 

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If you really wanted to make a bigger impact on your relational blueprint, you could journal about all the noticings you have as far as negative messages that arose from the exercise, if you had any. I haven’t met anyone who hasn’t had negative messages emerge in loud inner voices or soft shy ones. Most of us will have those stashed somewhere in the dark corners of our minds, but love energy is a light and will flush out the dark corners. It’s time to let them out and observe them in a journal, so you can forgive yourself for believing those not-good things about you, and so that your mind can begin to fill your whole auric field with vibes of love and personal self regard. 

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Seeing the Love Within All Others

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It’s this degree of personal self-regard that makes us noticeable to others and creates connections we can explore and grow, if we want. If that scares you then you’ll want to add in the following exercise to calibrate yourself to the love that does exist within each person, making your energy fields more harmonious. (this can also be used in sales, and other negotiations)

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You’ll want to get yourself into a state of self-love that feels really good. Then, as you look at the person in front of you, internally repeat, “The divinity within me, bows to the divinity within you! The Light with me, honors and sees the Light within you! The greatness within me, acknowledges the greatness within you! Namaste” Repeating this mantra will set the tone for the right level of interaction and connectedness to unfold; while facilitating any forgiveness that might be needed to accelerate your process.  It’s, in a sense, giving energy to the relationship, which cannot be withheld from you if you are giving it, for Marianne’s full quote says, “Every relationship either gives energy to us or withholds energy from us, according to what we give to or withhold from it. And it’s not only our behavior toward others, but our very thoughts about them, that builds and/or destroys relationships.” Remember that you are giving from a full cup within yourself, not giving to get your cup filled up. 

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Next Time Boundaries 

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As you move into your month letting the full moon amplify the love energy you conduct, this simple practice will prepare you for the next month's discussion on setting boundaries. Boundaries are how we take care of ourselves in a relationship and can only be impactful to the degree that we are valuing ourselves. If you are lacking in self-love, setting boundaries will be near impossible. But because healthy relationships thrive with boundaries, you’ll have a whole month to practice loving yourself more and forgiving and accepting all parts of you. Next month we’ll engage the topic of boundaries. If you have any personal questions you’d like answered via the Online Reader’s Portal, you can always book with me there Saturday mornings! Till next time, have a great month of increasing your own self-love and recalibrating your relational blueprint to magnetize yourself with love-energy!