Ecstasy Turned Inside Out

This is an article about what it means to feel the fullness of life, at the places where Love and Grief intertwine -- How to sit with your emotions as holiday memories bring joy that is mingled with a sweetness of sorrow, and dreams of loved ones in spirit form.

As I write this little article, I’ve been flowing in and out of tears. The Moon and Chiron are conjunct in the sign of Aries, in a harmonious trine with the Sun in Sagittarius. Most of my friends also felt this tenderness and deep melancholy today. Classified as a comet or minor planet in our astrological charts, Chiron is known as the wounded healer. I suspect that he is helping us to soften that armor we so often wear to get through life’s challenges (like the badasses we are).

When do we decide to take off the bright and sparkly armor we have diligently polished for so long? This is the greatest challenge of all–to really FEEL. All the feelings, not just the “good” ones.

Feelings are attributed to the feminine side of our character, and just as nature is thought of as uncontrollable, the feminine energy within us longs to be WILD, unpredictable, fierce and feral in all of its feelings!

In this long transit of Chiron in Aries, you have followed the passions of your heart and it has brought you to this place: you may be in emotional pain and you may be struggling to understand what it’s all for.

Remember this – suffering is ecstasy turned inside out.

Keep referencing the calling and gravitational pull of your heart. Keep praying for clarity. Keep your feet on the ground, for we can’t know HOW to feel love (for anything or anyone) in the worlds of far out fantasy. Even when you have no clue where you’re headed, your soul always knows and you’ll end up exactly where you’re meant to be.

I remember vividly the full moon in Gemini of December 2016. It was about 9 weeks before my mom died when my daughter Saraphina and I performed in a much abridged version of the Nutcracker ballet for the West Coast Ballet company in Santa Barbara. She was one of the children and I was asked to do a arabic-ballet fusion solo for the piece, “Café”—Danse arabe (aka the “Coffee” dance).

I was scared to do it since I hadn’t danced ballet since age 11! I remember just sucking it up and moving through the fear because I knew Saraphina really wanted me to do it. It was the last time my mom saw Saraphina and I perform. Precious. I’m so grateful I said, “Yes.”

Since my mom passed in February 2017, I’ve had dreams where I hear the Nutcracker music playing in the background. I usually hear the very beginning of the piece, titled “Petite Ouverture,” when the orchestra is playing and the curtain begins to rise and reveal the Christmas scene. It’s so lively and joyful. It has always been one of my favorite pieces of music.

My mom started a family tradition when I was a child to go watch the ballet before Christmas every year. The music always looped throughout most of our present opening on Christmas morning, too. Mom was always in the kitchen afterwards whipping up our favorite holiday repast: macadamia nut pancakes with coconut syrup and Portuguese sausage.

In these memories and dreams of my mother and my childhood, I feel the sadness of missing her along with the delight, comfort, even excitement of the Solstice season approaching!

At the Gemini full moon this December, you will be psychically/intuitively over-sensitive, picking up on nuances of emotions and what they are trying to tell you. FEEL. Everything. That is where the juice of your wisdom will be found. We generally don’t think of Geminis as the most touchy-feely of zodiac signs, but it is one of the most emotionally and intuitively sensitive ones on the astrology wheel.

I’m sure you will dream, too. Keep a dream journal near you on this night. Pay attention to the colors, music, smells and feelings in the dreamtime. Ask for a vision–and not a purely visual one, but a noetic one. Those intuitive, dreamy emotions that feel mystical and revelatory deep within the core of your being.

Oh yes, you can go there. And, I believe you will.

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