“Who Am I, When I Don’t Get What I Want?” This, according to Matt Kahn, is the great spiritual question of the new paradigm. (Replacing the old paradigm question, simply, “Who Am I?”)
The Tower, in Transformational Tarot, is symbolic of how life/the Universe/God helps us get what we want; by assisting us in letting go of what we don’t want; usually, but not always, in a way we may not initially want or see as supportive or helpful.
When we are stuck, and need to be free for the next step in our lives, but don’t know how, life WILL help us get unstuck. This usually involves something that we have looooonnnnggggg wanted to be free from, and the gift of The Tower is that in order for us to reach for what we DO want in this life, we have to let go of what we don’t.
And when we don’t know what to do, we have had a tendency to hold on tightly to what we know, to what we are used to, even if it hurts us to do so. Therein lies the dilemma, how does the death-grip on what is familiar get loosened so that we can be opened to what is on the way?
A closed hand cannot receive – partly because it is shut, and nothing can get in. But mostly because it has nothing to give.
~Arthur Gordon
Simple? Yes. Easier than we think? Maybe. Pleasant? Um, no, not usually (mine have often been accompanied by kicking and screaming, toddler like tantrums). And yet the more adept we get at surrendering when tower experiences come to us, the easier and more pleasant it is. The key, I believe, is the belief that the Universe has our back, is actually working with us, and wants us to get what we want; it wouldn’t actually give us a desire that wasn’t destined to be fulfilled.
Einstein put it very succinctly: “The most important decision we make is whether we believe we live in a friendly or hostile universe.” I have had enough evidence in my own life to understand that we do, indeed, live in a friendly universe. And it is this perspective that opens my heart and brings me great joy when I see the Tower in any reading.
As I mentioned in “The Gift of the Phoenix”, about 5 years ago I lost a job I loved, and had been trying to shift for a myriad of reasons; and it was the WAY that it happened that was so difficult for me to accept at the time. Ultimately, this incredible Tower experience led to 3 trips to South Africa where it seemed, by the 3rd and longest trip, where I lived in Zululand for 7 months, that all of my life’s professional work had been leading up to the work I did there.
The next tower experience was when I had to leave Zululand 5 months early because of a pinched nerve I “earned” by pushing myself too hard and not insisting on getting help when I needed it. This was, in fact the culmination of a repeated pattern in my life of “self-sacrifice” for the good of others. It was the point in my life that I finally understood, that it is NEVER, under any circumstances, OK to sacrifice myself for ANY cause; not for an amazing form of early childhood education, not for tending the soul of the world and not even for the benefit of children of extreme poverty in Africa! If we sacrifice ourselves in the pursuit of any endeavor, we all suffer for it. If I didn’t get it then, when was I going to get it!
Actually, I got it, really and truly, just last week, when I was stopped in my tracks and forced to surrender in an entirely new way.
But first I have to mention that just last May, an ex-boyfriend offered me a most powerful Tower experience by simply disappearing, ending all contact without so much as a “goodbye”, while I was in the midst of moving to Colorado to be with him. I was mid leap into a probably more than foolish Leap of Faith when the rug was pulled out from under me & instead I landed with the safety net of family in Los Angeles. (Yes, I also believe that every “No” is actually a protection.) And then Santa Barbara, the spirit of whom had not been letting me settle permanently since my return from South Africa, suddenly changed her mind and called me back to her in a powerful way. The reinvention of myself happened here, and not in Colorado as I had imagined it would.
Since the recent Blood Moon lunar eclipse, supposedly an indication of a powerful shift into the new paradigm, I have been asking my friends “How do you like your new light body? Look at my new light body, isn’t it AWESOME?!! I LOVE IT!”, pointing to my “same as ever” body with a sparkle in my eye. I just love the idea that we are evolving and that the stars and alignments are portending positive change rather than the doom and gloom that have been prophesied.
And then I began to ask the Universe to “Please Surprise and Delight Me!” This was a much better attitude than the one I had previously held, with arms folded in front of my chest, basically comprised of: “Fine, Universe, if you simply disregard and trample all of my plans, then You make the plans and tell me what to do and where to go!” Well, my body had a different plan for sure.
The ultimate tower experience hit me at about 3 AM on Tuesday, October 6 (which is also my mother’s birthday). I was awoken to the most excruciating pain I have ever felt in my life; no way to get comfortable with my hip, in any position. I was in pain for hours, and when I got out of bed, I found I could not put any pressure on that leg at all. My hip essentially froze. I have not ever had hip issues before; this was something totally new.
I couldn’t go to work. I was completely incapacitated, and despite my pain, I was fascinated…is THIS the surprise and delight I had asked for? Funny Joke, ha ha, oh, ow!
Then came more delightful surprises…
A good friend arrived on her way to work with healing and tending implements and medications...she helped me to get set up so I could function.
An appointment, made at 4 am, via internet, with Downtown Community Acupuncture was discovered to be impossible by myself; it was my driving leg that was out of commission. A dear friend managed to squeeze rides for me to & from into his incredibly busy schedule. I cried with relief and gratitude as he helped me home, up the stairs, holding onto me and making me hold onto him as we made our way up with more ease than I had expected. What a delight to be helped, supported, held; this independent woman has been reminded.
A miscommunication led me, on Wednesday morning, to a new chiropractor's good-intentioned ministrations, so much more stressful and painful than helpful that I leapt from the table and went straight away to my Practitioner of 9 years, Rilascio Chiropractic. I wept with relief and homecoming as someone who knew me and my body brought me back into connection and helped me release the tension and re-member myself. My body relaxed, my hip released, I had been holding about 4 years (if not lifetimes) of anger and resentment in that hip, and I’m surprised she didn't freeze up sooner.
After my appointment I actually hobbled into work for the afternoon and wished I had a cane.
Thursday, I felt a little better, still limping and wishing for a cane at work, until 3 pm when it released and my hip actually felt normal, no limp even! I did a little dance. No Pain. (I found out later that day that my mother had done a healing for me with a Matrix Energetic healer on Wednesday at 2 PM who had said I would release in about 24 hours).
Since then I have been so incredibly grateful for my amazing and beautiful body, especially my hips; we often don't realize how much our bodies do for us until they don’t.
EVERYTHING has been moving forward at a fast pace since. I joked with my Chiropractor that I had an “energetic hip replacement” and he wondered if perhaps my hip had replaced me. (I really do LOVE my new Light Body!!!)
Whatever I had been holding in my hip had been holding me back professionally and personally and financially, and now, suddenly, it feels as if everything is open and flowing. It's as if my own personal, ever repetitive version of Groundhog’s Day is starting to go through that “towards the end” montage where I'm starting to get it, and as that happens, everything and everyone appears to be changing around me (but really it's just me shifting).
As I consider the Tower, a symbolic reminder of things that stop us in our tracks and turn us towards a different path (physically, emotionally, spiritually, intellectually or otherwise), I am even more grateful for this beautiful, benevolent Universe and for my my fabulous body who has been my life-long partner and best friend even when I didn't know it. It took yet another Tower Experience to wake me up and help me remember how full of magic and love and support the universe and my world, our world, really is.
Who am I when I don’t get what I want? God/dess willing I am grateful and I am Love.
And no matter what, whether I get what I want or not, I am also here to look at the cards with you, with love and gratitude and support, and see what comes up for healing. I can’t wait to hear how much you love your new light body, come by and share on November 21st!
Your hand opens and closes, opens and closes. If it were always a fist or always stretched open, you would be paralysed. Your deepest presence is in every small contracting and expanding, the two as beautifully balanced and coordinated as birds' wings.
~Rumi
