Deep Transformation Through Love in 2022 

What patterns am I being invited to let go by this teacher named cancer? The possibility of critical illness brings the preciousness of life and the importance of love into focus. I feel vulnerable and mortal and also incredibly grateful for the support and connection of friends and community surrounding me. And everything is looking just a bit more beautiful...

“The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.
Your visions will become clear only when you can look into your own heart.
Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.” 

~Carl Jung
“The goal of Pluto in Capricorn is really to transform...”

…Venus retrograde periods are times when we re-assess what—and who—we value…major love decisions are best saved for after…March 1st, 2022.”

We have made it through the longest night, and now (at least in the northern hemisphere) we head into deep winter, where we have the opportunity to go inside even further and be with ourselves.

The New Moon in Capricorn represents that inner journey and with Venus retrograde and Pluto joining her there, we can begin the New Year with a deep and reflective conversation, one that invites us all the way into and through those things that we don’t normally want to even look at. My invitation, to you as much as to myself, is to consider taking a look at whatever it is through the eyes of love.

“Pluto…rules our darkest realms…holds dominion over our fears, our secrets…our needs for power and control…pulls the darkest parts of ourselves into the light, forcing us to identify where changes are needed…

Capricorn is a sign of success and strength, able to embrace the intensity of Pluto and direct its transformative energy where it's needed most. This powerful combination has the ability to change the world at large…”

I’m in a powerful journey of deep self-reflection myself. On December 9, I received the news that a mole biopsy taken just before Thanksgiving revealed a highly invasive melanoma that requires surgery on December 29th. The seriousness of the situation was evident in the demeanors of the healthcare practitioners and the speed with which they brought me in for consultation and scheduled the surgery.

Funnily enough I have been challenging the Universe not to tempt me with the possibility of leaving, because I might just take it. I had been feeling lonely and occasionally bereft during the terrible isolation of Covid and seeing so much ugliness in the world thru the eyes of the media. These were compounded by the constant yearning for conscious romantic relationship, which has yet to manifest in my life. Parts of me imagine it might not even be possible, was just a childish fantasy; this new paradigm of relationship that has called to me since childhood.  It’s not something I know much about, I only know that I have always yearned to explore something completely different with a partner; self reflection, love, authenticity, transparency, and vulnerability. And it feels as if I have continually blocked myself from it.

What patterns am I being invited to let go by this teacher named cancer?

”The Moon in Capricorn, or High Priestess in the Devil’s clothing, is a period of potential internal conflict. The physical world might seem to draw you away from what you typically believe to be right.
You might feel driven or compelled by behaviors and attitudes that go against the grain of your morality. It could be liberating or disturbing…don’t be too hard on yourself.
Get obsessions out of your system, and learn what you can about yourself while you do so. You should be ready to move on soon.
There’s nothing wrong with a little focused physicality. Just don’t get stuck.”

The man I have been dancing in the possibility of relationship with for the past 6 months has triggered so much, so intensely, resulting in powerful self-reflection and growth. I am working so hard to honor myself and set healthy boundaries, keeping my inner child safe and cared for while at the same time staying open and vulnerable to healthy adult relationship. The best solution feels like compassion for myself and for him and looking through the eyes of love, from there it all seems to be unfolding perfectly; regardless of the outcome.

It feels crucial right now to remember my reason for living and to revolve it around something in and of myself and being of service rather than thinking it depends upon anyone else; and yet it still feels as if its not something I can do alone. I’ve done most everything by myself and learned to be fine, even thrive, and at the same time I still yearn for something just out of my grasp.

“God Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can and the Wisdom to know the difference.”
~Serenity Prayer

What am I not seeing? What exactly is the block and how do I clear it? What is the cancer here to help me see? How do I love this thing happening with my body? Is it possible to love cancer? How do I love myself more through this process?

The cancer is on my left arm, my feminine/receptive side. Perhaps this cancer is happening for me, to help me to clear something so deeply ingrained in my psyche and anchored in my body that I haven’t been able to even see it, much less clear it. 

Perhaps this is something I need help removing and it is the cancer that is teaching me this. A surgeon is literally going to cut it out and that is pretty freakin symbolic. 

Can I use this cancer and this surgery as a symbolic metaphor for transformation whether I can clearly define it or not? What is dying? What is resurrecting? How do I move determinedly towards what I’ve always wanted while also surrendering to what is unfolding? 

“Venus in Capricorn, or the Empress in the Devil’s clothing is a time of creative intensity and physical manifestation…
Celebrate and love with passion, but try not to chain yourself to anything for too long.”

It is interesting how the possibility of critical illness brings the preciousness of life and the importance of love into focus. I feel vulnerable and mortal and also incredibly grateful for the support and connection of friends and community surrounding me. And everything is looking just a bit more beautiful: the appreciation of my friends and family, the glimmer of sunshine on the water, the colors in the clouds at sunset, the sunlight pouring through the rainclouds onto the rolling hills… 

“The only way out is through -- which it is kind of like a birth, or re-birth. It is a path to a more meaningful life, though it might not feel that way at the time.

It is the path to a second half of life that is deeper, and about tuning out some of the noise of the outside world and listening to that inner voice in the quiet of a dark night.”
~Robin Amos Kahn,

My goal is to maintain a state of gratitude for all that is happening for me in this current health journey. As my friends and family rally around me and offer support and love and prayers and help and express so much love, I am feeling all of the loneliness and the of the last 2 years of Covid isolation dissipate and am reminded of how much I am loved and how much I love. As for the cancer and its prognosis, I feel surrendered to the process. After the surgery will come the toxicology report, which will inform the next step, and I am in the present moment with each step as it happens. 

Through Love all that is bitter will be sweet,
Through Love all that is copper will be gold,
Through Love all dregs will become wine,
Through Love all pain will turn to medicine.

Oh, and I’m already planning the tattoo to embellish and decorate my 10-centimeter scar, the Rod of Asclepius, the symbol of transformation from the Greek temples of healing:

“The Rod of Asclepius is a befitting representation of the physician’s art of healing because of its combination of the staff, which is symbolic of authority and the snake, which denotes rebirth, fertility, revitalization, and rejuvenation. Moreover, snake venom has been found to be fatally poisonous and, at the same time, have medicinal properties. Therefore, the serpent is also seen as symbolic of the dual nature of a physician’s work that involved sickness & health, life & death. It even signifies the dual powers of medicine – the dosage and the situation determine if it will heal or harm. The symbol was displayed at the Temples of Asclepius that became popular healing centers of the Greco-Roman world. Later on, it came to be adopted by doctors all over the world.”

Be well my dears, I look forward to sharing the next phase of my journey with you during the next new moon.

Until then, I invite you to go inside with this Capricorn New Moon, nestled as safe and warm from the winter weather as you can be, and dive deep; go all the way into and through it, you will find gold in the New Year.

"So meet me in the streets
In the dark, in your bare feet
Meet in a place like your heart
Drop a phat beat
Wind begins to blow
It's a sweet validation
Nature has her signs
And they're clear affirmations

We are on time"
~(lyrics) Nahko & Medicine For The People

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