When researchers study very happy people, they find that many of them do work that they find meaningful, and most of them have highly optimistic outlooks. But virtually every single one of them has strong personal relationships.
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Happiness is a Warm Puppy, $6.95[/caption]
To be more specific, very happy people generally have at least three close, healthy relationships. One may or may not be with a spouse; others may be with family members, friends of long-standing, or even relatively new acquaintances with whom they’ve quickly developed strong bonds.
These are the people who celebrate our good fortune, help us through hard times, and make good times even better. They give us advice and encouragement, support our dreams, and laugh at our jokes. We enjoy being with them and feel good knowing that we can count on them and that they can count on us in return. These are the people we love, and who love us back and they are the people who make us happy.
So how can we nurture our relationships with them, so that we--and they--can be at our happiest?
Two of the most powerful steps are matching our priorities with our time, and remembering the 5:1 rule.
Matching Our Priorities With Our Time
Almost all of us would say that our relationships with our family and friends are the most important aspect of our lives. But it takes effort to make our priorities match how we spend our time.
We grab an extra hour in the evening to work, when that might be the only chance we have all day to spend downtime with our spouse or kids. We decide we just don’t have the time to have lunch with a friend, or that it’s too hard to find a sitter in the middle of the day. We mean to call our sister over the weekend to catch up, but between one thing and another, the time just gets away from us.
What I’ve found to work best for me is simply to make a conscious decision to make nurturing my relationships with the people I love the highest priority in my life – and then to make that decision again and again and again when I find myself letting busy-ness get in the way of what’s most important to me.
The 5:1 Rule
Every relationship has its conflicts and struggles, and people in healthy relationships don’t shy away from facing them. But they take care not to let the negative outweigh the positive. In fact, the healthiest relationships have about five positive interactions and comments for every negative one. The reason is simple. We’re happier and much better able to cope with difficulties in our relationships when we’re working from a shared base of trust, kindness, and support.
‘Okay, that makes sense. But 5:1?’ you say? ‘That’s a really big ratio. Five positives for every negative!’
That really is what the research shows. But if it sounds like a stretch, start with where you are now and make a conscious effort to move in the right direction. The good news is that the farther you have to go to get to 5:1, the greater the benefit you’ll see from the effort. And even going from 1:1 to 2:1 or 3:1 can have a profoundly positive impact on the quality of your relationships – and the quality of your life.
So try not to miss opportunities to notice--and to share--the things you appreciate about the people you love. It will make hard times easier and good times even better. See me at Paradise Found for further insight!
With much gratitude
