The Secrets to Cultivating Emotional Intimacy

‍“In the end, these things matter the most: How well did you love? How fully did you live? How deeply did you let go?”

~Jack Kornfield

Does loving well have to do with how many friends you have? Does living fully, necessarily require having a lot of money or possessions? I’d say the answer is ‘no’, but they do require the skill of building emotional intimacy with ourselves and others. 

If the idea of cultivating emotional intimacy brings up within you, any discomfort, need to judge or poke fun at, then I invite you to stay with me because this is written especially for you. 

As a result of feeling timid and tender around our emotions or even being unaware of our emotions, we often cannot see when we are sacrificing emotional intimacy in favor of the light and happy experience of romance and fun. But we are happiest when we are bonding and deeply connecting with a like minded and supportive community; from our personal romantic partnerships and family, to our friends and social circles. 

I was 10 when I had my first crush, but I wasn’t afraid of my feelings. I was just afraid of what others would think about my feelings and what it would mean about me, in particular. Can you relate? Unfortunately, this isn’t something we grow out of as we age, like growing out of our clothing. Some would say that it feels much safer to not talk about our feelings, especially the uncomfortable ones, even when we’re in relationships with consenting participating adults. But unless we practice getting comfortable with our emotions and heal our fears of intimacy, we will continue to cheat ourselves out of deep, loving, trusting and fulfilling relationships at both the romantic and platonic levels.

So why do humans fear intimacy? The prospect of love and baring our hearts to another, exposes us to the risk of rejection and loss, which creates discomfort. When we experience inner discomfort, this tension (fear of intimacy) leads to actions designed to solve for the perceived threat of being “too close” in order to create distance. Some behaviors include; feeling guarded or resistant to being close; withholding affection; being suspicious of a partner; being overly critical of a partner; losing interest in sexuality; or being unable to commit. We are usually not aware of this fear of intimacy, because the ego likes to control things externally to solve for emotional discomfort at a subconscious level, but we can spend years in the above actions that create distance and remain stuck in patterns that cheat us out of the intimate connections we are thirsty for. 

3 Areas of Focus

So what are secrets to cultivating emotional intimacy?

Here are 3 areas to focus on that will help you build emotional intimacy despite any subconscious fears your psyche might be engaging.

1. Get comfortable with vulnerability. How courageous are you in being vulnerable? Vulnerability always feels uncomfortable, but it’s a requirement if you are to feel met, supported and loved fully for who you truly are. Vulnerability requires a high degree of self honesty & courage to share your deepest feelings with someone you are practicing to trust. It’s scary for sure, but it’s the only way to build emotional intimacy that leads to fulfilling & lasting connection and real love.

2. Make sure you are loving your Self. Do you have the capacity to know yourself as “loved” in the tenseness of an uncomfortable emotion so that you can share vulnerably while holding a presence that’s also supportive and caring of your partner’s feelings and concerns? When you’re in relationship to an experience of yourself as anything less than loved you’ll feel uncomfortable and need to defend, place judgements or manipulate to control the situation. A contrived situation isn’t emotionally authentic and will always fall short of the joy inherent in true emotional intimacy.

3. Be direct in your communication. Can you ask for what you need to feel supported in the process of deepening intimacy, or are you asking for what you need to keep the distance and nurse your fear of intimacy? Getting over a fear is a process. Just like getting over a fear of heights might include gradual exposure to higher and higher heights with a hand to hold onto for support, cultivating emotional intimacy will require allowing ourselves to be in closer degrees of proximity, gradually while handling the fears as they come up individually. Practicing to ask for that support and being both willing to give and receive that type of support will enable you to grow in love, beyond your fears. 

Willingness to go deep within 

The degree to which you can be available to your uncomfortable emotions and share them without discomfort or fear that you’ll be made fun of; or left behind; or anything else your psyche might be making it mean, is the degree to which you’ll be available to and be entitled to enjoy, intimate emotional connection with another. 

How do you become more available to processing your uncomfortable emotions to get comfortable with them? It’s all just energy and shifting the energy can make all the difference in the world. The thing I appreciate about energy-healing is that it creates space to know yourself as loved and empowered without having to necessarily spend so much time on the details of a personal issue. 

While I can’t offer you a magic potion, to solve for fears of intimacy, I can offer you a reading session in the Paradise Found’s Reader’s Portal. Just click the link or email me at AskLaniNow@gmail.com. If you found the pointers in this article beneficial, I’d love to hear from you. Please reach out and share your fear of intimacy story as I can use it in future articles. May you be blessed with success as you work towards cultivating emotional intimacy.